El Roi
That time when Abram raped a slave so that he and Sarai could have a child to raise.
Note: This is the prequel to the short story Akedah. The stories can be read in either order, so go ahead and use that free will. Choose your own adventure.
The God who sees me.
I’m finally noticed.
Celestially gazing…
It’s all a performance.
Chapter 1: Times and Seasons
The rain beat against the tent in a soothing rhythm. Hagar sat inside, warm and cozy for the time being, measuring out bags of grain.
It was late in the evening, hopefully late enough that her mistress, Sarai, would not call for her again until morning. She didn’t waste her time with hopes, though. A thick goat-hair cloak was sitting ready by her tent flap, and she moved carefully with a silent expertise.
Until she didn’t.
The grains spilled out of the bag she was holding too close to the base, clattering to the floor of her tent and shooting her heart rate from alert to panicked.
Did her mistress hear? Her tent was near Sarai’s sleeping quarters… she could have woken her up with that careless mistake.
Or worse… had her mistress called out for her in the moment that she was distracted with the spilled seeds? Did she need to go check, just in case?
She froze in place, unsure of what to do. Making Sarai call again would earn her a beating, but so would entering her tent unrequested.
Fuck.
She chose to stay. As the minutes dragged by, tension slowly eased from her shoulders. A knot, never fully untied, loosened slightly in her chest.
Hagar returned to her work, picking up each seed from the floor and returning it to her pouch. She only had 4 more bags to measure out, and by that time it would certainly be safe to fall asleep.
The rain continued to calm her as she focused in on that steady and constant buzz. An anchor she could cling to while her tired body finished the manual labor. As she found her rhythm, she let herself dream.
An open field, a home to call her own, and happy children calling her inside to play…
Before she knew it, the work was done.
It was time to rest.
Chapter 2: Take Her? I Hardly Know Her
Hagar was already at Sarai’s tent entrance when she emerged at sunrise. She handed her mistress a blanket to warm her against the chill as they walked the short distance to the fire that had been prepared. Some of Sarai’s other maidservants were preparing breakfast alongside Abram’s team of cooks.
Abram was already sitting by the fire, and welcomed his wife with an embrace.
“Good morning, my dear. How are you doing?” He seemed… nervous? Perhaps they’d had another argument last night.
Sarai ignored his question, stiffening and refusing to join the embrace. She gestured for her food to be brought, and moved to her usual seat next to Abram’s.
“Oh, come on, honey bunches. I know you’re upset. Look, this is stressful stuff. It’s tough for both of us. I want to have a baby just as badly as you do, but what you’re suggesting… I worry it would just make things more difficult for you.”
This got a response. Sarai turned her head sharply and gave him a cool stare. “Have you reconsidered my proposal, husband? Have you seen the wisdom in my request, or do you intend to continue telling me what I can and cannot handle?”
Abram sighed in frustration. Oddly, he waved an arm toward Hagar, his gaze still intently focused on his wife. “Look, you think you’d be able to love her child as your own? Would it be the same? Is this really what you want??”
What the hell did that mean? Hagar’s child? Her heart rate leapt to a dangerous pace.
“Oh, please, you’ve slept with slaves before with much less deliberation.”
“Not with the intent of getting them pregnant! Those are established concubines, woman, and you will not degrade them.”
Sarai sniffed at that, but held her tongue. She took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders, turning back to her husband.
“Abe, I want to raise a child. I want us to raise a child, to share with them all the incredible things we’ve been blessed with. We’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, for so long. I can’t keep doing this.”
Hagar was rooted in place and unable to move. She suddenly realized she hadn’t taken a breath in a long while and gasped quietly for air. Sarai turned and gave her a stern look.
The one that said do not intrude on our affairs.
Hagar managed an apologetic nod amidst an internal maelstrom of fear, resentment, and deep sadness.
Abram looked to be deep in thought. “I see no issue with our God’s laws, nothing that would directly prohibit this or offend Him… perhaps it is even His will that we take this path. You are certain that this is what you want?”
Sarai allowed herself a small smile, clearly recognizing the beginning of her victory.
It was all Hagar could to do to keep her balance and remain still.
“Yes, this is what I want. Please.”
“Well, I want you to have everything you want.”
“Excellent! I’ve been watching carefully and believe she has not started bleeding yet this month. Take her, dear. Today.”
Abram nodded and took one last deep breath. He reached out and held Sarai’s hands. “As you wish, my dear. Let me just finish my breakfast and I’ll have a tent prepared.”
Chapter 3: Abram Rapes His Wife’s Slave
A gust of wind blew through the camp as Hagar was escorted to the tent most commonly used for Abram’s conjugal activities. It picked up her hair and the brief chill brought back some lucidity.
This was her worst nightmare - or at least it would have been if she’d ever thought about it as a potential outcome.
Stupid. Why didn’t she predict this? She had noticed Sarai paying closer attention to her than usual, but assumed the woman was simply considering whether to shake up her maidservant hierarchy.
They reached the tent.
Abram held the flap so she could enter, and his personal servants bowed away as he dismissed them.
He tied the flap shut behind him as he entered.
Panic. A cornered animal. Did she fight? Did she run?
Neither. She did nothing. As expected.
She had been raped before, of course, but this felt different. This time… they wanted her to be with child… and then they wanted to take that child for themselves.
She managed a disgusted shiver at the thought.
“You are a virgin, correct? You testify to this?”
There was only ever one correct answer to that question. She almost rolled her eyes at the question.
“Yes, master.”
Chapter 4: Sarai Beats Her Slave
Months passed in a blur. Hagar’s fragmented memory of recent events was quickly becoming less reliable. Luckily, her other duties were now put on hold so she could maintain her health and fertility.
Strangely, being cared for by the other slaves felt even more wrong to her than serving as a slave herself.
One particular morning, she woke feeling ill. The signs were all there. She could tell, just knew that it had happened.
She wasn’t sure if she should be excited to be with child, disgusted with how it had happened, or just relieved that the worst of it was now over. These conflicting emotions raged against each other inside her. It all amounted to one thing she knew with certainty.
She despised Sarai for doing this to her.
Despite it all, Hagar rose to her duty and made her way to the tent of her mistress. She had been commanded to alert Sarai to any possibility of conception, even if it meant waking her up with the news.
She slipped into the entrance and coughed gently. “Ahem, Mistress?”
Sarai responded immediately, sitting up and making her way to the entrance.
“Yes? You have news?”
To Hagar’s distress, Abram was in the tent as well. He sat up, lazily pulling on a robe. She averted her eyes from the man.
“Yes, Mistress. I believe I am with child.”
Her voice must have conveyed her emotions, because Sarai gave her a questioning look.
“You don’t seem to be very happy about that… this is fantastic news, is it not?” Hagar didn’t trust herself to speak, so she just nodded and looked down.
“I can see it in your eyes. I give you the chance to rise above your station and to bear my child, and you hate me for it? How dare you!”
Sarai spun on her husband, who was casually walking over to the women. “This is your fault! I gave you my slave and now that she’s pregnant she hates me!”
Abraham took a step back and raised his hands. “Hey, this was your idea from the start! She’s your slave, and yours to deal with in whatever way you think is best.”
A few long minutes later, Hagar laid in her tent massaging her new bruises and nursing a split lip.
A light rain started to sprinkle against the stretched surface her small covering. She escaped into that blessed distraction. It pulled her thoughts back to her usual dream, to that life of freedom that she so desperately sought.
Fuck. This. Shit.
Chapter 5: Do You See What I See?
Her body moved before her brain had made the decision, as if her very limbs were moving in self-protection. She wrapped what she could in a blanket and tied it together, threw on her scratchy cloak, and slipped away into the rain.
She traveled in silence, trying to put as much distance between her and that wretched compound as she could before the rain stopped and they discovered she was missing.
For the first time in what felt like forever, Hagar smiled. She let a tiny seed of hope begin to plant itself in her heart. It would be difficult, but she knew how to survive on the land. If she got far enough away, maybe she could start over and find a way to care for herself and her child. Maybe she would even go back to Egypt!
Her child… her sweet, sweet child. What would she name him? Or her? So many exciting things to think about, decisions that she would get to make.
“Hagar, honey, you can’t hide from God.”
She froze. “H-hello? Is someone there?”
The voice seemed to be coming from the well off to the side of the path, but she didn’t see anyone.
“I see you, Hagar. I know what you’re feeling, and I’m here to guide you to the right path. To make your dream a reality.”
Well, fuckety fucking fuck. She was either losing her mind or being harrassed by some kind of god.
“Language, dear. And no, you’re not losing your mind. Why don’t you come on over here and have a seat at the well. Let’s chat.”
The rain stopped and the skies cleared immediately, the sun shining through the trees to put a spotlight on the well.
Hagar walked over and cautiously looked down the hole. A short, balding man was hanging precariously from the ledge. He looked up and smiled at her.
“Mind giving me a hand up? I kinda thought the whole ‘mysterious voice coming from nowhere’ thing might help normalize the experience for you.”
Confused and unsure, she reached down and helped the man out of the well.
“Are you… Abram’s god? Yahwe-”
“Chill! Don’t throw the guy’s name around like that. He hates it. And no, I’m just an angel. Well, I shouldn’t say just an angel, like this is still a big deal for you to get someone like me coming down and visiting. I’m basically here as a messenger for that particular deity that you so casually named.”
Hagar took it all in and slowly sat down at the well, holding tight to the upright beam for stability.
“There you go, now take a couple deep breaths. Tell me what’s got you so hot and bothered. What could possibly have made you feel the need to run off into the woods all by your lonesome?”
She bit her lip and paused, considering how best to respond. Her hand traveled absently to her lower stomach. “I… I think it’s unfair. All of it. I can’t keep going on like this… it’s not just about me anymore.”
“Ah, a mother’s love. It’s beautiful, touching, and completely misplaced in this particular situation, unfortunately. Remember, dear Hagar, this is Abram and Sarai’s child. Or is he?”
Hagar turned her head sharply at the man as he sat down next to her. What did that mean? And… he?
“Yes, it’s a boy. His name will be Ishmael, and he’s going to play a very important part in all of…” He gestured around at everything in general, “this.”
“Will he be a hero? A servant of this god who does many great things?”
“Well, sort of. See, he’s gonna be a wild donkey of a man. His hand will be against everyone, and everyone else’s hands are gonna be against him. He’s basically gonna live in hostility toward all of his brothers.”
Hagar didn’t know how to respond to that.
“But, like I said, I’m here to help you find your dream. Isn’t that what you want? A life away from all of that nonsense, just you and your boy, without having to look over your shoulder for Abram’s lackeys chasing you down?”
Now this was almost too much to take in all at once. She felt like she was being whiplashed back and forth in every direction.
Hagar squeaked out a whispered plea. “Is there… is there a way?”
The old man leaned closer in an exaggeratedly conspiritorial way, looking over both shoulders before continuing. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but my boss knows how this is all going to play out. I wouldn’t mention it to Abrahm or Sarai if I were you, but eventually you will get to leave with your son. Cross my heart. Exciting, yeah?”
It was exciting. It seemed too good to be true. “How long will I have to wait?”
“Now, now, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves and go spoiling the story before it’s written!” The man smiled and wagged a finger at her as if scolding a child. “You just need to go on back to your mistress, turn yourself in, and do as you’re told. The time will come, and that needs to be enough for you.”
He stood and nodded to her, then started to walk off into the woods, away from the trail. Suddenly, he turned back as if remembering something he had forgotten. “Oh, and if you play this out right, you won’t just have your little house with the kid you love. Your descendants will be increased and multiplied, becoming more numerous than you can even count! Every girl’s dream, right?” He winked.
Now that was rich. “Yeah… Yahwe- I mean, the LORD really sees me.”
“That’s the spirit! Now, go on back and just watch how He makes everything right. Eventually.”
Hagar, predictably, did as she was told.